Lessons from 30 Years of Marriage

So today is a different kind of episode. I'm not even going to talk about
human design. Actually, I probably can't help myself. I probably will talk
about human design a little bit here. But I intend to talk today about
long-term marriage, because my husband and I just reached our 30th wedding
anniversary. And he was really touched and emotional by it. We went out for
dinner and he gave me a piece of jewelry, and this is totally not like him,
to give me expensive jewelry, what he would consider really expensive. I
was kind of surprised and shocked by it, and touched.

And I know that in a deep way, he felt such a deep emotion about us having
reached this milestone of 30 years, when we've been through such pain and
hardship, and have chosen to stay together and really committed. And so
today, I wanted to talk... I thought it would be fun to find 30 things
about being married for 30 years. But really, then I thought that wasn't as
important as just talking about a list of things that I've learned by being
married for 30 years.

Welcome to Beautifully Bloomed, the podcast where we explore how to break
you out of the box of rules and beliefs that are holding you back from the
life you're meant to live. I'm your host, Rebecca Tervo. Join me, as I
share mindset tools, coaching conversations, and human design, to help you
uncover your unique gifts and create the life, relationships, and business
you desire.

So, number one, it's not always romantic. Right? I had this idea... I'm a
big romance novel fan. I mean... And I was an avid reader. Throughout my
whole life, I was an avid reader and especially in high school, I read tons
of romance novels. I was just really into the theme of romance. And I was
always the kind that loved princesses and I loved princess Diana's wedding.
And I just always dreamed of the wedding day and what it's going to look
like and feel like. And I always has had this idea of how romantic love is
and how romantic relationships are.

And so what I realized after marriage, almost immediately, it felt like, I
realized it's not about romance. Yes, there is romance and you have to keep
the romance alive, but that's not the whole of it. It's not always going to
be romantic. There's work involved in marriage. There's commitment, there's
responsibility, there's a lot of give and take and there's... Right. If you
think it's going to be romantic all the time, then you're sorely
disappointed.

And I think I learned that pretty early on, because I always say, "We had a
honeymoon baby." So I got pregnant, probably on my honeymoon. And within
about nine months later, we had a baby. So right away, life gets pretty
real. And there romance... It's not that romantic, changing diapers and all
of that stuff.

But what I also want to say is, love is different and deeper over time. And
I remember... even, I remember talking about that at least 10 years ago,
maybe even 15 years ago, with my sister. I remember telling her, we were on
a walk and I remember telling her that I love him more now than the day we
got married. And it just... I remember the feeling of that. It's very much
a deeper, very much of a deeper connection. You know so much more about the
ups and the downs and the inner, I think, the thoughts and the feelings and
the things. I mean, you've seen so much more, once you've been married for
a while, you after dating.

And we dated for a while. We dated for... Let's see, we started dating in
1987 and we got married in 1991. So, it was a longer dating relationship.
We knew pretty much about each other, by the time we got married. But I
would say that, it's even deeper over time, after you've had children and
gone through a lot of those ups and downs.

The other thing I've come to realize is, your beliefs can be very different
and you can still support each other in those beliefs. So I think for many
years, I just tried to be somebody who I thought I was supposed to be. And
I know I talk a lot about this in my life and why I do the work I do now,
is because I wore a mask for many years. And I tried to be who I thought
other people wanted me to be, including my husband. I wanted to believe
what I thought they wanted me to believe. I wanted to say the right words.
I wanted to be in the church they wanted me to be in. I wanted to be the
kind of mom they wanted me to be and the kind of wife. I thought there was
this standard I had to live up to.

And what I have really been working through, in the past 10 years, and more
actually in the past two years, very, very focused in the past two years,
is that I don't want to pretend to believe some of those things anymore. I
don't want to pretend to be somebody I'm not anymore. I don't want to wear
a mask. And it's not easy and it's not fun to peel those layers off and
recognize that you've been hiding yourself for so long.

But what I can tell you, is that I feel so much better with him when I can
tell him, honestly, that I know that I haven't maybe said it this way
before, but this is something I truly don't think I believe anymore. And I
think things will change over the course of your lifetime. You think about
stuff, right? Or things happen in your life, and it really brings to light,
what are some things that I have been not even allowing myself to think or
feel? And when you bring that stuff to the surface, it can be very hard.
And so yeah, you can believe different things and you can still support
each other in those different beliefs.

There has to be a foundation in your relationship of connecting with each
other on a continual basis. So we had four children together and our
youngest is now 18 and our oldest is 29. So I feel like we have... over the
course of time, we always made it a point to have dates. We paid
babysitters for years and years. Right? So, that we could go on dates. And
at a certain point, we started going overnight. And then we started going
on weekends.

And the first time I remember us going for a quote, extended vacation, was
on our... Was it our ten-year anniversary? We went to Mexico for four days.
And I thought, "Wow, this is a long time to be gone from my children." But
it was really important. It's important to... What I recognized is, it's
important to continue to have that time, especially when you have children
and you need... you do need time away from your children. You need time to
build your relationship to reconnect with each other, where it's not just
about the kids, where it's about you and your husband and the romance.

Actually, that is where there's room for romance. Making romantic time on
dates is super fun. I have found over the years, we have had some really...
There was one time when I just went and I bought a hotel room in the town
that we live in and I surprised him out of... Yeah, I bought a hotel room
and I got a babysitter without him knowing. And I just took him to the
hotel room. I created a really romantic atmosphere. Those kind of dates
really stick out in my mind, as to the connections that we've made over the
years, the fun we've had together. Just the things that have built a
relationship and that keep us connected. And yeah, I really believe in the
importance of it.

So, if you don't think it's important to, or you don't feel like you have
the money, you do have the money, it is an important investment. Find money
to go away, at least for a night. If you still have kids at home, it's
super important to find ways to go away and be together without the kids
for an extended period of time for 24 hours, 48 hours, whatever it is.

Have fun. I just think it's super important to have fun and laughter in
your relationships. So, that silliness, that giggly, that flirtatiousness,
it's really important to have that. And even when your teenagers roll their
eyes at you, it's important. It's important to hold hands when you go to
the fair or something. Right? Hold hands, have fun, pretend that you're
dating again. All of that stuff just brings back a youthfulness in your
relationship, and kind of reminds you of why you got together in the first
place sometimes.

Hard conversations are important to have. And what I would say I've learned
about myself is, I don't do well with conversations at midnight. My husband
always loves to have conversations at midnight. I don't do well with
conversations at midnight. So one thing I've learned, is to try to build
boundaries around, when are good times to have conversations that I can be
fully present to without being too tired or exhausted. Right? We both need
to not be so tired and exhausted when we're having conversations that feel
difficult. And we've had plenty of those over the years.

Allowing your emotions to show. And this isn't as hard for me. I think... I
don't hide my emotions very well. I find myself in restaurants with him,
crying. In fact, that happens more often than not, when we're talking about
things that are really important to me. But I think it's important to allow
your emotions. And two, that really, I feel like, builds intimacy and it
builds connection. And allowing yourself to really be naked emotionally
with your spouse, I think, is a good thing, allowing them to know your
deepest, darkest things that you are trying... you feel like you should
hide.

I don't think secrets are great. I know we tend to keep secrets around
money or we try to... Even for me, sometimes I've tried to keep secrets
about things that I think that he wouldn't want me to want to do. If I have
desires about classes I want to go to or direction I want to take my life.
And I feel like, "Oh, I don't think he'll support me in that." And then I
try to keep it to myself. It just builds a lot of resentment and
frustration. So what I've learned now is, it's important to just talk about
these things, to bring them up, to not keep them and not let them build,
because it just really builds resentment.

And also, being willing to be there for all the hard things, I think, for
each other. Now, our son died by suicide in 2012 and it felt like... at
first it felt like, "Oh good, I have a spouse. At least we both went
through this together." But there were times when it was really hard for us
to even be with each other emotionally, because the pain was so great. And
we talked about separating, at that point, and we didn't. We chose to not
separate, but it was... Sometimes it can be really difficult to be there
for the hard things, to be there for all the pain and all the emotion.

And I want to say, that I'm really happy now, at this point, that I did
stick it out, that we did stick it out, that we are there, that we chose to
stay committed, no matter how hard things got, no matter what we were going
through with our kids or with our grief. It was really important that we
stuck it out and we stayed committed, and that our family got stronger for
that. And to have compassion for all of that.

So, the compassion that I want to feel when I know that he's having a
really hard day or he's had... something really is bothering him again. We
tend to revisit our grief over and over sometimes, about the loss of our
son. And so, to have compassion for when that comes up again is better. And
I can't say that I'm always the best at it, but I know that it feels better
in the end, when I just have compassion and allow space for all that hard
emotion, rather than judging it and trying to shut it down. Or telling him
I can't listen to it. Yeah, compassion is big.

So, allowing the freedom of what each of you wants to do. Sometimes, we
don't really know each other. My husband and I got married really young. I
was... Let's see, we got married in 2000. We did not get married in 2000.
We got married in 1991, and I had just turned 21. And he was also 21. So
both of us were 21. We were so young. At the time, I thought I was so old,
but we were really just babies. If I look at my kids now, they're... two of
them are past the age of 21 and one is 18. And I'm thinking, "I don't..."
It's really hard even, to picture them at where they are in their life. I'm
like, "Wow, that is crazy, that we got married when we were 21."

But the thing is, so we didn't really know all the things we find
interesting, as we went through life. Right? We didn't know what we were
going to want to be doing later. And I have opened myself to be curious
about all the different things that I want to try out, and different things
they want to do. These are things that we never knew. And so, allowing the
freedom for each of us to explore our own hobbies, to explore our own
interests, to have different interests from each other. We don't have to be
with each other every single day, every moment of the day, we don't have to
be the only one to provide entertainment for each other. I don't feel like
that is the job of a spouse at all.

I feel like, when you expect your spouse to meet all of your needs,
including your social needs, your emotional needs, your fun needs, your
romance, your [inaudible 00:14:28], all the needs you have, your
intellectual needs, I think that's where it can feel, just overwhelming.
You can get actually, in a place in your relationship where it doesn't feel
good at all, because somehow their expectations aren't being met. And so,
it's important to also have friends. Right? For me, having girlfriends is
really important because there are things I don't... my husband doesn't
want to really talk about with me. I mean, I don't... not that I'm afraid
to tell him or anything, but it's just things that are more fun to talk
about with other girlfriends.

Or he doesn't probably want to do coloring, so it's important for me to
find other people who are interested in coloring. Or there's thing... I
don't want to be golfing with him all the time, so it's important for him
to have golf friends. So, not expecting your spouse to be the only one who
can do all of those things with you, is important.

Informing. I've learned to become a better informer about my emotional
state, specifically, because I have a lot of ups and downs emotionally. But
as I'm informing and being more aware, I feel like those level out and they
don't cause such a disruption in our life and our relationship.

Also, allowing your spouse... I mean, allowing him, for me, to have
whatever kind of relationship he wants to have with the kids and not
feeling like I need to control it. I think earlier in our marriage, I felt
like, "Oh, there's a certain way that dads are, and this is how I want him
to be." And he is just an amazing dad and father. And there's no reason for
me to even try to butt into those, the way that...

For instance, the way he talks every week on the phone with our daughter,
who's an officer in the Navy now and she lives in Texas. But they call
every week on the dot and they have their own little relationship there. I
don't need to butt into it. I don't need to know everything about it. He
gets to have his own relationship with our children. He gets to travel with
them by himself, and I get to go do my things by myself with them. And we
just each have our own relationship with the children. And I think that's a
really fantastic thing.

Also talking about grieving, because we have gone through such the deep
grief of the loss of a child, we have different ways of grieving. So,
supporting each other and knowing that we each have a different way. It
doesn't mean that it's wrong. Nobody's wrong about the way that they
grieve. Nobody's wrong about the way that they think or believe about the
loss. For us, having a suicide of our child, the way that I believe now,
about what that was about, or what that is and the way he believes about
what it is or what it's... We don't necessarily agree on that, and that's
okay.

We've just talked about what I believe, and we talk about what he believes.
And it's okay that they're different. And we don't have to change each
other's opinion about it, it just opens up, I guess, new ways to look at
it. And I think that's why we can go on and that's why we can stay
together.

Different wants, I think I talked about this. Different accepting...
Accepting the different dreams that we have. Our dreams have changed over
the course of our lifetime. And I have different dreams now, than I ever
thought I would. And I think he has different dreams than he thought he
would. So, I think it's fun kind of now, when we're coming upon our empty
nest, our daughter is going to probably move out in a couple of years. Or
if she doesn't, I don't know, but we're just... we're kind of exploring
now, this empty nest state that we're going to be in. And what are we going
to want to do? We're talking about new things, and not just focusing on our
children as much anymore. Right? There're new things that we are going to
want to do. And we're trying to talk about that and we can each have our
own things, even.

I also want to say, that surprises are great. Surprises are amazing in a
marriage, for us anyways, for me, to once in a while, come up with
surprises that I think will be fun for him. And for him to surprise me with
gifts or things like that, that's always been fun. I remember those a lot.
And we don't have a lot of big surprises in our life anymore. Right? So,
it's fun to get a gift that's really something you never expected. Those
things can be really fun and just great punctuations, I think, in the
course of a long marriage.

And I think the last thing I want to say, is that I think when I married
him, I thought I would be able to change some things about him. And those
expectations you might have of being able to change your spouse to
something else or something different, or have them behave differently,
those... I mean, their personality is what it is. Right? And those things
aren't probably going to change or shift that much. So I think knowing when
you get married, that you might not shift them or you shouldn't expect to
have them change.

If you... Why would you want them? As I'm older now, why would I want
somebody to behave in a way that's different than who they truly are? This
is all what my coaching is about, is free to be you. Right? So the freedom
to really become yourself, to explore who you truly are, and to be
authentic with yourself, with your voice, and to show who you truly are.
So, it's interesting how I can see that pattern though sometimes, in other
relationships where people are really upset with who someone truly is. And
they're trying to change it. And they're really upset about the way the
person is and over and over again.

So I guess there's two options. Right? I mean, there are three options.
Maybe you can change their behavior, but I don't think that's the best road
to go down. But the other option is, you accept them for who they are and
choose to commit to the relationship, which is what I have done. Or, you
leave. Right? There's really only a few options.

And so, I think that's one of the biggest learnings, is that we are who we
are at a deep level. And so many of us anyways, are trying to pretend that
we're not who we are, which is funny. It takes so much energy to pretend to
be somebody you're not. But in a marriage, when you're trying to... I mean,
for your own good, for your own good, don't try to change yourself to be
something you're not. That's just for your own good. And then, don't expect
your spouse to change to something they're not.

I mean, what if you can both be just true to who you are and have the
freedom to be who you are, and then come into the relationship and have fun
together? Just live your life together, but truly honoring who you each
are, as people. It's just... Can be just a much better experience. You have
a lot less hassles of that tiredness and exhaustion from trying to put on
the mask every day and be somebody different.

So, that's... I think those are the only things I wrote down. I know that's
a lot actually, now that I'm thinking about it. But I hope that this helps.
And if you've been in a long-term relationship for decades, I mean, are
there any lessons that you've learned? Just... You can respond to me in
Facebook. Right? Via Facebook messenger, or you can come and email me at
Rebecca at rebeccatervo.com. I'd love to hear, what are your biggest
takeaways, or what did you learn from this episode? Do you have anything
that you've learned by being in a long-term marriage that can really shed
some light for others? I just think it's a fun topic.

And I didn't talk about human design, but I want to let you know that there
are two levels of human design readings I do now. Human design sessions one
is a basic, foundational session, and the other is business breakthrough.
So if you are a business owner, we can look at your chart through the
perspective of your business. It's really fun, very practical, and you can
get so much from it. So, both of those offerings are at
rebeccatervo.com/design. All right. Thank you so much for joining me today.
And I look forward to seeing you next week.

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