Eating Disorders and Faith Crisis with Krista Couch

Rebecca:

Welcome to Beautifully Bloomed, the podcast where we explore how to break
you out of the box of rules and beliefs that are holding you back from the
life you are meant to live. I'm your host, Rebecca Tervo. Join me as I
share mindset tools, coaching conversations, and human design to help you
uncover your unique gifts and create the life, relationships, and business
you desire.

Hi Krista. Thank you so much for joining me today.

Krista:

Thank you for having me.

Rebecca:

I am so excited. So I want to talk about, first of all, you're a life
coach, school coach, correct? Certified.

Krista:

Yes, I am.

Rebecca:

And I was reading that you help women with eating disorders. Correct. What
kind of coach do you call yourself, a eating coach? Eating,

Krista:

A binge eating coach. So I help,

Rebecca:

Okay. Yeah. Go ahead. Tell us.

Krista:

Help people who binge eat create a better relationship with food that feels
intentional and empowering.

Rebecca:

Awesome. Okay. So, but what we're going to talk about today is what you
told me in your intro before we started recording, is that you grew up in
the LDS church and you're really young. I was like, how old are you? You're
like, so you're like half my age. And you already have decided for yourself
that the religion you grew up in isn't for you. I am like twice as old as
you and I'm finally getting around to telling people that this wasn't for
me and I'm moving forward. So it's interesting to me to talk to all
different ages and different beliefs and the way it affected you. So let's
get into that. So tell me, first of all, you were born into the LDS church,
is that correct?

Krista:

Yeah, I was. And interestingly, I think looking at my childhood, it served
me so well in a lot of ways, and I'm very grateful for so many aspects of
it. And I'm also glad that I have coaching and I'm able to see it that way.
But I grew up, I actually was born with a birthmark on my face and I had a
lot of surgeries when I was really young and I also had a lot of
insecurities around my body. And so I developed an eating disorder at a
really young age. So-

Rebecca:

What age was it that you developed an eating disorder?

Krista:

Well, I started dieting when I was in elementary school, so,

Rebecca:

Wow.

Krista:

Like under years old.

Rebecca:

Wow. That is young.

Krista:

I remember yeah, I was in first grade when I remember stepping on my
parents' scale and thinking I'm just never going to gain another pound,
obviously that's really not healthy, but what happened is my eating
disorder progressed from being more restrictive and dieting to then finding
myself feeling out of control and not being able to stop eating. But one
thing I'm very grateful for is because I struggled so intensely at a young
age, what then happened is I got a lot of support and I learned how to
understand my mental health because I definitely identify as somebody who
feels intensely and I also have ADHD. And so emotional regulation is a huge
piece of that. And so I didn't grow up in an environment where I learned
how to process my feelings. So the church in a lot of ways served as a way
for me to do that.

Krista:

And so that's why I say there's pieces of that I'm very grateful for, but
also I was able to learn a lot about food and my relationship to my body.
And at a young age, I was introduced to a new way of approaching that. And
that doesn't mean it quickly took root. It took me a really long time to do
the deconstructing around diet culture and what I thought my body was
supposed to look like and to learn to be comfortable in my body.

Krista:

And so I'm grateful for that because I'm young still, but I've had years of
doing a lot of work around these things. And it has helped me in other
areas of learning how to go through a very challenging process of looking
at my faith. And that was something that was just, there's so much anxiety
and years of cognitive dissonance and trying to work through some things.
But I think so many of those things are related that for me, the work that
I did on my relationship with food then led me into having these skills
that made that process something I was able to show up for myself in a
really beautiful way.

Rebecca:

Yeah. So, I mean, how do you think that the eating, the disordered eating,
or however you want to talk about it, how was that related to church do you
think, or religion, or like, what was that about?

Krista:

Well, I think our culture as a whole puts this pressure on women to be a
certain way. And I think church was just something that was so involved in
my life where I was going to youth group. I was around these people so
consistently that the culture in that influenced the way I viewed myself
and the way that I viewed food. And so I see that I got that messaging from
so many different places, but for me since church was such a big part of my
life, that was absolutely somewhere where I felt like I was getting this
message that I needed to diet. I needed to people please, and trying to be
perfect in that way. It felt like something that I could control.

Rebecca:

Yeah. Like, I mean, did you think it was, well, boys would like you better
if you were a certain size or, I mean, what was that about, like this
people pleasing thing? Who were you trying to please?

Krista:

That might've been part of it. I also think that it's something that I was
getting from so many directions that I was getting compliments when I was
eating less or losing weight. I remember when I was really young in
January, I do no sugar with my family and people would just praise me for
having will power. So I kind of saw it as this is the value that I bring to
the world, making myself smaller.

Rebecca:

And hard work too it sounds like. Right. The ethic of oh, good for you. You
did something really hard or you're continuing to do something really hard.

Krista:

Yeah.

Rebecca:

Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, did you feel like you were an overweight child,
like looking back, were you an overweight child or this was just something
you thought in your head like...

Krista:

No.

Rebecca:

No.

Krista:

I was born with a non-functioning thyroid. So I do think that influenced me
because I was terrible as a kid about consistently taking the medication
that I was on. And so it did impact my hormones and I was never at an
unhealthy size. I was always in a healthy category, but toward the top of
that. And yeah, I think looking at my family, there's a huge history of
dieting. And because I was on that heavier end, I might as well have been
severely obese from which I don't love the, I mean, I have a lot of
opinions about the BMI scale and all of that, but that's the messaging that
I was getting. It's not that I blame my parents for that. I think they were
conditioned in the same way.

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Krista:

That wasn't good.

Rebecca:

Yeah. The norm is like, we all should. It's funny because you can look at
like, I mean, I feel like there's the same pressure in a group you're in,
around all the time and you don't see very many people who seem like you,
but yet they all look similar. Right. I've had this thought in my head too.
Well, why don't I just look like them? Like why can't I just be like them?
Yeah. It's funny. Isn't it? And I think that culture, it does, the culture
creates a feeling of wanting to be the same. Right. And we're even taught,
we should think the same. We should act the same in these religious
communities. Right. We're all going to do the same thing. This is the one
path. Was that how you felt about your religious community? Like this is
the path we're on, right? This is the way I'm going to get to success in
life is by following this path. Yeah.

Krista:

Because the path was laid out for me and there's part of that that felt
easy. It was just, okay, I know this is what I'm supposed to do. Focus on
getting married and shooting out babies. And there's [crosstalk 00:08:53].

Rebecca:

That's a good way to put it. Shooting out babies. Okay.

Krista:

It's not that those aren't goals that I have, I just was told that was my
path. And not even in a way that was just, this is your path. It was so
many directions and so many things that felt like they relied on me fitting
in to this pathway. So it didn't even occur to me to challenge that path or
think about it in a different way. So I learned to rely on what other
people told me I was supposed to be doing.

Krista:

And so I was being told in so many directions to eat a certain way. And I
tried that. I tried to be perfect at it, just like I tried to be perfect at
everything else. And what happened is biologically, what happens when
anyone restricts and especially someone who was restricting so much at such
a young age is the desire for food can increase so much that you start
eating and it truly feels out of control. And so that's how binge eating
disorder typically develops is with dieting. And it can progress into
something that's habitual and something that is an emotional release
because that's a source of dopamine and our brains learn to crave that. But
for me, it started out by just trying so hard to be good enough for this
path that I thought I was supposed to be on.

Rebecca:

Yeah. Yeah. It's like, that's what I was thinking. So it's almost like the
black and white thinking, which is what religion provides. Right. It's this
black and white. So this is the right way. That ways the wrong way. And
let's just try really hard to follow this right way. And that sounds like
kind of how your eating even was. It's like, well this is the right way I
need to eat. That's the wrong way. And it's like when you feel so super
restricted like that, that's where it does lead to issue. And I can see
that in religion, I can draw the parallels there. Right. The issues are, I
have cognitive dissonance in my brain about this is the rules and the path
I'm following, but I'm so afraid of what's going to happen if I don't
follow the rules, even though my soul is calling me to something different.
Does this sound familiar to you about your religion at all?

Krista:

Absolutely. I think the rules and things were things that I didn't really
challenge and I don't think I felt as much consciously this feeling of
restriction. I felt just so much shame because I was never enough. I was
always making mistakes. I felt like I was just a mistake. And so many of
the things that I had a challenging time with, I used as proof that I just
was not good enough. And I think that more than anything is just the shame
was restricting. It wasn't that I felt like I was being restricted by that.
I was just, I believed the shame. I never challenged the shame, never
thought maybe if I really look at what I think is right and wrong and I
look at the way that I acted in my life. I'm kind of proud of it. I'm proud
of who I am. I wasn't able to do that because my brain was consumed by what
I was doing wrong and the things that I wasn't good at.

Rebecca:

Yeah. And here's these rules I'm trying to follow. I can just get the part
where I'm trying to follow these rules. I don't believe in some of them or
why are they true or why should we do that? But I'm so afraid to ask
somebody or ask the question and now I feel guilty. Like you said, the
shame and the guilt about, well, why am I not able to follow these rules
and just not ask questions. Right. I'm looking around going, these other
women can easily follow the rules it seems and they're not asking
questions. So what's wrong with me? Is that kind of what you're talking
about?

Krista:

Yeah. And I think specifically the unspoken rules. For me, I didn't
struggle with some of the bigger things. It was the little things, it was
the unspoken rules and.

Rebecca:

What's an unspoken rule that you're thinking about?

Krista:

You need to be happy all the time. You need to be finding joy, but you also
need to be feeling shame unspoken but,

Rebecca:

You need to feel sinful. I guess this is what I was taught. We are such
sinners. We're born sinners. We're such sinners. I should feel bad all the
time because I'm a sinner. That's how I was actually taught. So I don't
know.

Krista:

Yeah. I think I was taught the opposite. I thought I was taught I was
supposed to always be happy.

Rebecca:

Yeah. No, I mean, I should be happy in the fact that I can go to church and
get my sins forgiven. Right. Now I'll be happy, but I can't really be happy
until I'm repentant of my sins. Does that make sense? Like, it's a weird,
yeah I'll be happy, but only if I'm following the church and only if I
continually get my sins forgiven because we're sinful.

Krista:

Yeah. And what I notice in myself and what I notice in my clients too, is
that our brains do just follow these same patterns in so many areas. So
I've seen that where it was just, I'll be happy when I'm smaller. I'll be
happy when I'm this size. I'll be happy when I find somebody to love me.
And I think what's really beautiful about learning how to find happy in
ourselves is that for me, it no longer feels like I have any desire to lose
weight. I obviously, I think it's important to consider that thin privilege
is a thing.

Krista:

And so I don't get that message from my doctors. I don't get that message
from people like some of the people I work with are really getting hit
with. But what I do find is that it is something that comes very naturally
and easily now to just not feel like happiness is going to be at the next
achievement or the next milestone, easier than maybe I see some other
people struggling with that because I've learned that it doesn't work. And
I've had to challenge that because it was so deeply ingrained that it was
hurting me so much.

Rebecca:

Yeah. And I mean, from what you're talking about, I can make a parallel to
being like, just be happy in the fact that you're in this faith, you have
this faith, you have this path that's enough. There's nothing else out
there. There's no need to question. There's no need to go find yourself.
There's no need to figure it out. It's just this one true faith, this like
narrow path and just follow that. And so then when you feel so unworthy,
because it doesn't feel right somehow. I'm thinking of, for you, the
parallels for me is that I feel so unworthy because I'm trying, and that
can lead to a lot of eating problems because I'm over here getting
enjoyment out of food because I feel so terrible over here that I don't
feel good following this path, but I should feel good following this path.
Right.

Rebecca:

So it's like this cognitive dissonance of why don't I feel good? Does God
not like me? Like I'm not worthy enough to just accept all of that and not
have questions. Do you know what I mean? That's where it leads to this
unhappiness and let's go find some other place where I can enjoy something.
Okay. I guess I'll eat, because I'm allowed to eat food. I'm not allowed to
drink alcohol, but I can eat food. Right. So let's just stuff our face with
food. Yeah. It does. It causes so many issues when you can't be true to
yourself. Right.

Krista:

And interestingly, I've seen that so much outside of religion. And I think
it's just part of even how the patriarchy and things influence our society.
But I see it in my clients all the time too. It's just, they don't learn
how to find the happiness because nobody taught them the happiness and just
being a human, waking up and being alive. And so it's like, what I see is
this constant feeling of not being good enough, makes it so much more
desirable to numb and to turn to things like binge eating or even just
overeating because where else are you going to get the dopamine hit? Where
else are you going to feel those little moments of joy, if you're always
kind of waiting in the rest of your life for something else to happen or
something else to click for you to deserve it.

Rebecca:

Yeah. And to me for many years, I have to say, I did feel like, yes, I can
find this to be a good thing to be on. Like okay, I got married to a spouse
from church. I started having children right away. We got married young. I
mean just, I did the things and then like, I'm just on this path. And then
you just kind of get busy. For me, I just got busy being on the path.
Right. And so I didn't have time to question, what do I really want? Or
what do I really believe? But I'm wondering in your journey because you're
still so young. That's so fascinating to me. Where was it that you decided
to leave your like, what age was that at? Or what was the point where
you're like, I don't want to do this anymore? I mean, what happened there?

Krista:

Yeah. The first thing that happened was actually an experience I had where
I was told something specific at church, by a specific church leader that
just didn't make sense to me in a way of this doesn't match up with so many
things that I'm seeing. And I don't want to go into the specifics of what
this said because it involves another person. But what I was told was in
complete conflict of what was being told if you just slightly switched the
scenario, if that makes sense. And what that led to is a few years of that
really weighing on me and trying so hard to figure out how I can keep my
faith with this thing that happened. And this thing that had weighed on me
so much. And during that time, what I was seeing is that I was clinging so
hard onto something that no longer seemed true.

Krista:

And I was starting to see things that didn't add up for me. And I think
that was so deeply painful because something I told you before we started
recording is the way that this impacted me in terms of being so scared of
hurting people that I care so deeply about because they're told to be hurt
by me changing the way that I view the world and the way that I view faith.
And so while I look at the journey that I've taken and I can see now that I
have so much peace in the version of faith that I have, which includes so
much uncertainty. And I don't know, but I find a lot of peace in that. I
feel very congruent with what I value in the way that I believe people
deserve to be treated and to treat themselves. Yeah. I knew that that would
cause pain.

Krista:

So for so long, this kind of people pleasing thing kept me just turning to,
okay, how can I find ways to make this true or make this thing that's
worked for me continue to work? And so I think maybe a difference in our
stories is that I was like, okay, I'll be on the path. I'll follow all the
rules. I don't care about the rules, but it was from this place of people
pleasing in a way. And it wasn't that I wanted to leave to lead a different
lifestyle it's that I wanted to live in alignment. And that took a long
time to come to but,

Rebecca:

Yeah. You're so young though. You're starting and living alignment so
young. That's amazing to me. I'm sorry, what were you going to say, but?

Krista:

Oh no. I mean, that's so true. I think it took me a long time, but I also
see that in a scale of your journey, that's a very short time, like a few
years compared to 10 years.

Rebecca:

It's a very short time. And mine was, I mean I tell people and I will be
telling my story. Maybe by the time this comes out, I've already told my
story. But anyways, the 10 years is because something happened in my life.
And I think this is what I see is something happens. And for you, it was
just something someone said. For me, it was the death of our son by
suicide. Right. So when you're talking about religion and suicide and now
what, and that was 10 years ago. Before that I had doubts, I had a lot of
trying to make sure I fit in and the people pleasing, I really resonate
with you with that. Like that was for me the journey. It was more about
following the rules and people pleasing than it was about having any kind
of spiritual experience in church.

Rebecca:

It's like, well, I just want to belong in this community. And I'm
acceptable if I follow these rules. So I'm going to follow the rules.
That's people pleasing to me. Right. It's like making sure my mom's going
to accept me, my dad, my family, the other people in church. I fit in now
by following the rules. And I didn't recognize that until, and even though
I didn't agree with a lot of the things or didn't think I didn't, but I
didn't have time. Like I was raising a family, didn't have time like I
said, to go figure it out.

Rebecca:

But when my son died, it was like, oh, wait a minute. That's where some
major things had to change because it's like okay, we're taught this way,
but this happened to me. And there's not any explanation in the church as
to why as I'm following the rules, I'm not what, I'm not a good Christian.
So now my son has to die by suicide. It's the weirdest cognitive
dissonance. Yeah. There's a lot more to talk about that. But I see some
similarities in our journey. The people pleasing, I think is huge. And many
women I think, face that. It's like, let's just do this because it's
acceptable.

Krista:

Absolutely. And what you just shared, I appreciate you sharing because I
know that's probably still very vulnerable.

Rebecca:

I've shared it many times before. I wrote a book about it but,

Krista:

Okay. Yeah.

Rebecca:

You know what I mean? It's important. I think it's important, right, for us
to share our journeys and experiences.

Krista:

Yeah. And I think also nobody gives us the tools to deal with experiences
of such intense grief and emotion and...

Rebecca:

No, they just don't.

Krista:

I can see that and how even just the work I do. Now I look at how the
conditioning we receive about emotions can be such a huge block. And I
think a huge difference between the issues with food that I'm talking about
and a faith crisis is when you're struggling with food and binge eating and
feeling so out of control, normally people want so desperately to stop that
cycle and it becomes so apparent what's happening. But what you don't see
is what the real cause of that cycle is, is a lot of conditioning.

Krista:

And so that can become such a vicious cycle because what you're trying to
do isn't working and what you've been taught to do isn't working. And I
think interestingly in a faith crisis, it's kind of, the tables are turned
where it can feel like what is safe is continuing to stay on the same path.
And what is obviously challenging in either way is doing the
deconstruction, doing the look inward of what do I really believe? Does
this actually sound like something that I want when I take a step back? And
I think it does take something dramatic for most people who are, especially
in a very highly demanding religion to take that step back because it's a
painful step.

Rebecca:

It is. It's painful to lose or to think you could lose family and friends.
You probably will, let's just say it that way, lose family and friends. The
relationship won't be the same with people who just continue to believe so
deeply that that way is the only way and you're now not in the only way.
And so there's a carefulness, right? It's like, well, we have to be very
careful about talking to her because she has some crazy ideas. You know
what I mean? Like that, I don't know. Yeah. And so that is painful and it's
hard, but I think what I've come to believe and to recognize is that it's
more painful to ignore myself and to push myself down and ignore my truth
and not speak my truth than it is to go along, to get along. It's just more
painful.

Rebecca:

It has caused me more health issues, more relationship issues, more
emotional and mental health issues than anything else in my life by
continuing to try to follow the path. And it just like you being 25 and
getting out wow. Right. Me having just added on stuff over the years.
Right. Just kind of kept pushing it. Right. It's like, it adds more layers
and more layers until you pretty much explode and that it seems something
terrible has to happen to get you out of that cycle. And the first thing
that happened for me was our son suicide and then there were other things
which I'll talk about later, probably in my podcast. But those things
happen and then they chip away, right, at those layers. And you have to, I
mean, you can ignore it and I think you'll probably have to become an
alcoholic or something in order to just ignore the pain.

Rebecca:

Right. This is why I think people do become alcoholics and drug addicts.
It's like they're just ignoring who they are. It's like, you have to
somehow cover up that pain to live. Right. And so, yeah. Wow. I could go on
a tangent now. So let's just, and I think we're at about 30 minutes now, so
oh my gosh, this, like I said, I get started and we can talk because it's
super fun. But Krista, before we go tell us where could people find you if
they're interested in finding out more about how you help with binge
eating?

Krista:

Yeah. So I am on Instagram @bingeeatingcoach and I'm very active on
Instagram. There's,

Rebecca:

Okay.

Krista:

Probably always something up on my stories and lots of tips and things
there. And then one thing that will be available when this podcast comes
out is a course that I have that you can find and I'll give you the link
to.

Rebecca:

I'll put it in the show notes.

Krista:

Put in the show notes. But yeah, I have this course that is going through
six weeks of really taking the things that can help people overcome binge
eating and putting it into action. And so I'm going to give you a link that
gives a free trial of that so people can get in and get the most important
stuff out of that.

Rebecca:

Awesome. Thank you so much, Krista. This has been a fascinating discussion.
Thanks for coming.

Krista:

Yeah. Thank you so much for having me. I think you provide so much value by
talking about this topic.

Rebecca:

Yes. I think it's sorely needed right now so.

Krista:

Yeah. So.

Rebecca:

All right.

Krista:

In so many areas of life.

Rebecca:

Yes. All right. Bye.

Krista:

Bye.

Rebecca:

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, please go subscribe so that you get
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there, please leave me a review and let me know what you think. So excited
to share this with you and can't wait to talk to you next time. Bye.