A lot of my clients first come to me with questions about how to move through this grief. How to make something of this experience they are having, how to move forward. How to live on.
What we do is start with the belief.
Is it possible to find happiness after your child died by suicide?
Finding Evidence For Sadness
When my son Trevor died by suicide in 2012, I really had lots of thoughts about how life would always be terrible. I couldn't ever imagine enjoying another family vacation again. Holidays were something I was just going to have to slog through.
And, because I had these thoughts, my brain kept looking for evidence to support them.
Things people said to me:
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“You'll never get over it”
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“It will be a huge hole in your heart forever”.
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“You probably will learn to live on but nothing is ever the same again”.
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“It's always going to be sad”.
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“Most marriages can't handle this loss”.
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“You just have to get through this and wait to see him again when you pass on”.
And, in the support group, the sentiment was the same. I heard things like “It's been 20 years and I think about him every day”.
During those first couple years, my belief that life was always going to be a struggle, and feel hard and sad….kept growing because of all the evidence I found.
I can see now how my belief drew all that evidence to me of why things would always be sad.
According to “common” sentiment, I thought that maybe this is how life should be now:
- Make the cemetery my focus on a regular basis
- Constantly pass along the message of how sad it is and how much I miss Trevor
- Remind myself daily that things are never going to be the same
- Settle with the fact that my marriage will probably be sad forever, or else we'll just have to divorce
- Attend groups month after month for years talking about my story and how sad I am all the time, and bring new people into the group and tell them how it's OK…they'll be sad with us all the time but at least we are all together.
- Trevor's story would now always be the center of my life that colors everything…holidays, family get togethers, and anything else.
Finding Evidence for Happiness
When I decided one day to find healing and happiness again, I had to question the belief that I would be sad all the time.
And, I had to look at all the evidence my brain had gathered for why I should be sad all the time.
It was almost like a badge of honor you wear around in the world that says “My son died by suicide and I deserve to be sad and angry and feel hurt all the time”.
The coaching work taught me that my brain is the most powerful tool I have in my life.
AND, I get to choose to believe what I want and make those circumstances that happened mean anything I want them to mean.
This was fascinating. I could make Trevor's suicide mean anything I wanted it to mean. I could look at it in a way that served my life moving forward, not that held me back in sadness and grief.
I looked at all those pieces of evidence that my brain had gathered that made me feel so sad and hopeless….and question whether I wanted to believe they were true or not.
I learned that all of those things other people said were thoughts and beliefs THEY had. That didn't mean I had to take them on as truths for me.
WOW….what a powerful shift this was.
I started out with a tiny thought that said “Maybe it's even possible for ME to be happy again.”
Once I started practicing that thought, my brain went to work to find evidence of that!
Things started showing up in my life to prove that point to me.
Another woman in my town who lost her son to suicide told me “Life can be so much sweeter now”. At first I didn't believe it because I had so much evidence to the contrary.
However, I now felt like it WAS possible that I could find more sweetness in life.
I found books and stories on Youtube of people who've lived through terrible tragedies and horrible losses…and have happy lives.
I was especially drawn to books written by women who had escaped cults. Those stories really resonated with me.
I thought of myself feeling stuck in my grief and hopelessness on the same level as those women feeling stuck in powerlessness to move themselves out of a controlling environment.
My New Beliefs Were Creating Different Results
My brain started gathering evidence now in how I could actually create a happier life and find more purpose than I had ever before. I started taking action from that place of belief.
- I hired a tapping coach who taught me EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). She helped me process through lots of feelings that were holding me back.
- I did a home decluttering project using the Kondo method (See “The Magic Art of Tidying Up” by Marie Kondo) and decluttered my old thoughts and useless beliefs right along with all my things.
- I joined a program that taught me how to rid myself of sugar out of my diet and then lost 37 pounds. The process of detoxing my body was happening right alongside the process of detoxing the negative beliefs from my brain.
- I started exploring business again. Getting inspired to leave my job and start a business was something fun I had done in the past, but wondered if it would ever be something I wanted to do again.
- Around this time, I started thinking about my marriage, and recommitting to it. The healing in my marriage did not come about easily. But I became VERY clear that I wanted to stay in my marriage no matter how “difficult” I judged it to be.
Once I was getting all these amazing results, I recognized how happy I truly was. And, how much hope I had for my future again. And how much fun I wanted to have with my kids and my husband.
I learned that it was my BELIEFS and my THOUGHTS that were creating the happy feelings that were inspiring the life-changing actions.
This belief work eventually lead to me writing my first book and leaving my “good, stable” job to start my own coaching business. I eventually become a Certified Life Coach that focuses on Grief Coaching. It's the most fulfilling work I've ever been a part of.
You Can Do This Too
Your beliefs are the most powerful thing affecting your life right now. If you want to change your life in any way, you have to first find out what you believe to be true.
This is what coaching can do for you. Help you examine why you are feeling how you are feeling, and what beliefs are keeping you stuck where you are. I can help you with that if you want to find a way to be happier again.
Just click the link below to send a message to me and we'll get on the phone to find out if coaching could work for you too.
I believe deeply that all of us have the power to change whatever we want to in our life. I know it's possible for you too:)
Here's the LINK to send me a message: https://rebeccatervo.com/work-with-me/