“It feels like I’m betraying my child if I start to think about being happy again”. “I don’t deserve happiness”.
These statement have been made by many of my clients in different ways during coaching sessions.
And, it seems like the noble thing to think.
It seems like somehow, we’re honoring our child if we stayed in the sadness and the grief of their memory, and wrapped up in all the other emotions (anger, frustration, guilt, blame) that get drawn in when we stay stuck in that place.
There’s an underlying fear that my clients have (and you may have too) that says that if they start taking steps towards living again, they are leaving their child behind.
I remember the feeling of not being deserving of happiness.
I thought that if I couldn’t even keep my child alive (he was 17 and hadn’t reached adulthood yet), then I failed miserably as a parent, and should punish myself forevermore.
I tried that punishment stuff for several years.
Here’s the things I learned:
- Punishing myself didn’t bring my son back.
- I wasn’t the only one feeling the punishment.
- My children were being punished by not having their Mom present with them.
- My husband was being punished because our marriage was suffering.
- Punishing myself didn’t allow anyone to learn anything from Trevor’s suicide, including me.
If you are thinking something along the lines like “I don’t deserve happiness” here’s some questions you can ask yourself:
Do you believe your child died so that you would be miserable the rest of your life?
What about your other children? Do you believe your child wanted your other children to have to live with you being stuck in this sad spot forever?
Even if you thought your child had some ill intent (and I believe strongly that none of our children had ill intent towards us), are you willing to give that intent the power over the rest of your life?
What are some things you’d rather believe about your life?
Here are some thoughts that I started believing when I was taking those first tentative steps to healing after my son’s suicide:
- I am in charge of my life and my happiness.
- My child’s suicide doesn’t mean I don’t get to be happy.
- I can choose happiness or I can choose sadness.
- I am still living, so there’s a purpose somewhere for me.
- My other children deserve to have a Mom in their life, and by me NOT choosing to find a thread of happiness, I’m choosing to NOT show up and experience life with them.
I don’t know which thoughts will work for you. And, the cool thing is….you can find your own thoughts and beliefs that feel just a little bit better than what you are feeling now.
Here’s one thought that I share with my clients that often helps to get started in the direction of feeling a little bit better:
“There’s a possibility that I could find happiness if I choose to. AND just because I feel happy doesn’t mean I’ve left my child’s memory behind”.
When you think that, you aren’t telling yourself you HAVE TO or are DEFINITELY GOING TO work to find happiness. Instead, you are just exploring the possibility of how it would feel to have that little thread of hope that says you can be happy too.
Would you like to get started to find your step towards a life of happiness? I can help. I offer FREE 60 minute calls where we can explore what your first steps could be.
Go to this link and let me know you'd like to get on a call with me: https://rebeccatervo.com/work-with-me/
