If this thought has ever crossed your mind, you aren't alone.
It might even sound something like this. “I did everything I was ‘supposed' to do…..and then my son died by suicide!”
And, you may have felt like you were being punished for something, or there was something you missed.
I remember thinking that I had everything I wanted and worked for in my life:
- I had been married for over 20 years to a good man who was an amazing Dad to our 4 children.
- Our children seemed successful in the ways they wanted to be.
- We both had careers that were long term….He was a Professional Engineer and I was a CPA. We both had management level positions in the organizations we worked for.
- We lived in an old 4 square home that we had completely remodeled inside and out.
- We took family vacations yearly, and couples trips on a regular basis.
- We attended church as a family regularly.
- We had good friends and lots of extended family.
- And, I could give a list of many more things I thought were needed to be part of this “successful” life we had.
And then, January 2012 came around and we found our 17 year old son dead in his bedroom.
My brain couldn't wrap itself around the possibility that this would even happen in my life.
Doesn't this just happen in the movies? Or in books you read? Or to those that are addicted to drugs?
It can't possibly be real….in fact, for a while I thought there was some cruel joke that Trevor had been a part of. Some conspiracy amongst his friends or other unknown people that caused this death.
And, that belief tormented me for a while. My husband was even more suspicious, and went on a search for the culprits who were involved.
Of course, nothing ever turned up.
Eventually, I accepted that Trevor had really decided he wanted to take his life. It was no one else's decision but his own.
That hurt for a long time. I couldn't understand where I had failed as a Mom.
I had been brought up to believe that there was a certain standard to follow in life.
If you follow the “rules”, and marry a Christian husband, and raise your kids in church, and be a “good” parent….then your kids all turn out well and become successful adults who marry Christian spouses and raise their kids in church and perpetuate this cycle of amazingness.
I replayed Trevor's whole life to try to figure out where I had failed as his Mom.
- Was he loved? CHECK
- Was he inspired to read books? CHECK
- Was he interested in learning and getting good grades? CHECK
- Did he go to church and hang out with Christian kids? CHECK
- Did he live a clean life without partying, drugs and alcohol? CHECK CHECK CHECK
Honestly, I tried to find somewhere I failed.
Something I didn't see.
Something where a “bad” friend inserted himself into Trevor's life.
Or some hidden partying or relationship that happened that I was unaware of.
But, the evidence we had was just the opposite.
Trevor's friends were all shocked. Not one of them expected this to happen. Not one of them had heard Trevor say anything about being depressed or considering suicide.
His grades were A's. He had his homework completed (as it always was) and sitting on his desk ready to go to school on the morning we found him in his bedroom.
His teachers had nothing to say as far as any signs they had seen or anything they had heard.
His bowling coach said Trevor had been the happiest he'd ever seen him on the bus trip out of town for a meet the day before his death.
There was only a trace of Tylenol found in his autopsy. No drugs. No alcohol.
There was nothing in his room (except a suicide note) that would be anything other than who we knew him to be: A sweet, kind, caring, musically and artistically talented, amazing writer, straight-A student who was interested in going on to study music after high school ended.
Even his suicide note was pretty straight forward. He seemed to love a girl from a distance (no evidence found about who that was), and had been depressed for a while, and not sleeping. He loved us and didn't want us to blame ourselves.
So, after all the evidence was found, and there was nothing left to prove that I had missed something….I had my overwhelming thoughts and feelings to deal with.
- I questioned why we hadn't moved somewhere where Trevor could've gone to a gifted and talented school. That had come up once or twice over the years….but not seriously enough.
- I thought maybe we should've paid more attention to those few times he had fallen and cracked his head really hard in his life. Who knows if those played a role in his brain chemistry?
- Or, I should've known he wasn't sleeping, and asked him what was up with that.
- Maybe I should've worked harder to find him a job….I know he was looking and just hadn't had any luck with coming up with anything that year.
And the should've, could've, would've went on for quite a while.
Here's the thing.
As long as I let my brain go on into these endless loops of trying to figure out why it happened, who was involved, why I didn't know, what I did wrong, what everyone else did wrong, why it was all unfair, etc…..I just didn't take any steps forward to healing.
Once I got support on how to deal with the overwhelming thoughts, and then processing the feelings around my grief…..that's when I was able to find room in my brain to start thinking about what I wanted my life to look like now.
And, that felt so much more enjoyable to look at the future rather than staying stuck in all the questions.
I really decided to believe that I may never know truly why Trevor did what he did…until I died. I believed I had a full life left to live….and decided to get started on that instead.
You can also decide to believe whatever you want to about your child's suicide.
Maybe you are in the middle of these kinds of questions and thoughts.
That's OK. But, know that when you decide to be OK with those questions not getting answered….you can start to make space in your brain for how to heal and move forward.
This is the exact work I do with my coaching clients
If you are ready to take that step, to unmuddle all of those thoughts that are going on in your head, I'm here to help.
Just CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW to check out my calendar and we'll get on the phone to talk about it: