“I smile on the outside, but am miserable and angry on the inside.”
I repeat this quote to you, because it might sound familiar.
You may even be the one who has said this before.
Well, you aren't alone. This comes up again and again in different ways with my clients and audience.
I've coached on this, and have been thinking about how I can help you with this too.
In an effort to make this brief, I've listed some of the main reasons I believe we feel the need to go out in public and “put on a happy face”. Even when we feel anything BUT happy on the inside.
And, under each reason, tell you some things I think are helpful as a different way to think about this.
- Society seems to put time limits on our grief. And, we don't want to make anyone uncomfortable….
I remember a time when someone asked me in the grocery store “So, how are you doing? It's already been a month…”
At the time, I was really put off by that statement. But, as time passed, I realized that much of society doesn't really feel comfortable talking about the process of grief and healing.
The body goes through so many things while grieving a deep loss like a child's suicide….and time really is not a good measurement to see how someone is doing.
In my experience of coaching with many different women….I have broken through the thoughts I had too about when we are ready to take steps towards healing. We are all unique.
For those of us who are people pleasers, it's easy for us to worry about other people's discomfort with our grief….and then hide it away like it's shameful.
This was actually a big part of my grief healing process. I had to learn how to love myself enough to care about my feelings instead of always worrying about what other people would feel if I expressed my grief.
2. We notice people have gone on with their lives after our child's death, and so feel like they don't really want to hear about our child or our feelings anymore.
Of course, this feels like everyone has abandoned us. It feels lonely and scary.
I actually had the thought that this was similar to when I left the hospital after my first son was born. l was so scared to take that baby home and leave the safe, nurturing hospital environment where there felt like so much love and care and support for me as a new Mom.
When our child dies, we sort of become like that new Mom again. We are the Mom that now has to learn to live without her child.
During the first 2 weeks after Trevor died, I felt that love and support and caring blanket wrapped around me and my family. When that blanket started to disintegrate, I felt the most empty, hollow, and utter loneliness I had ever felt in my entire life.
Just like the Mom with the newborn, I felt like the Mom with kids and a husband to support in a whole new, unknown way.
So, although people will go on with their lives (imagine if we all stopped in our tracks every time someone died…) it is still OK that we go about finding those who ARE still here and waiting to support us.
Just because others have moved forward, that certainly doesn't mean anything about our grief. We can figure out where our support is, and what form that takes.
3. We have actually been told it's time to move on.
Here's the thing. I have learned that what other people say is really not anything about me at all. They say things that come from their own thoughts and beliefs.
That means that what they believe isn't “the truth”, it's just what they think. And, these particular people just aren't the ones who are available to be supportive for those of us who need help.
Again, society misunderstands grief and the time and space needed for healing. I suspect the people who say this have never actually experienced a deep loss of their own yet.
4. We feel uncomfortable showing emotion.
I don't think it's necessary to show emotion in public.
However, I also don't think it's at all wrong.
I am an open cryer (is that a word?) at public events. At one time I was embarrassed by this.
Now I choose to embrace my humanity, and allow emotion to flow through. Many of my tears are really due to happiness and joy. I decided to feel all of it.
At least acknowledge for yourself what emotions you are feeling. That's an important first step.
What if, when people asked how you were doing you said something like “I'm working through a tough time right now”. OR you felt comfortable enough to share what's really going on.
You may be surprised by the people who come out of the woodwork to support you, even when it feels like friends are shrinking away.
5. We think that by PRETENDING to be better, we will eventually BE BETTER.
This is a lie some of us tell ourselves. You know that saying “Fake it until you make it?”
Perhaps that could be true in some circumstances of life. I just don't believe that grieving is one of them.
In order to heal, we have to acknowledge our pain. And, it's not called “grief work” for nothing. Pushing our pain away is like pushing the beach ball under the water. It's just going to pop back up with much more force eventually.
I'm a big fan of doing the actual work of healing. I sort of pushed the healing away for several years after my son died. And, it led to lots of terrible things in my life.
Doing the work means embracing the pain.
Acknowledging that you are sad, angry, depressed…whatever it is.
Talking about it with others.
Doing the work of forgiveness.
Stepping into new relationships.
Learning to live without your child.
A loving thing you can do for yourself is to seek support. I found that when I made the intention to go out and get the help I needed, it showed up everywhere.
I am available to be a part of your support right now on your healing journey.
To explore how I can help you take the next steps, please CLICK THIS LINK to say you'd like to setup a call.