Thanksgiving After Your Child’s Suicide: Can you feel thankful?

Grief, Holidays, personal story

I've always believed Thanksgiving was celebrated to give us a day to be thankful for all we had.

In our family, we got together to eat the traditional turkey, stuffing, potatoes, cranberries and pumpkin pie with football on TV in the background.

I didn't think much about the thankful part intentionally until after my son Trevor died of suicide at the age of 17 in 2012.

Our first Thanksgiving after Trevor died was 10 months into our first year of grief.

I think we went to my Mom and Dad's, but I can't truly remember.

I do remember that I have never decidedly skipped Thanksgiving since Trevor died.

That first year we still had all of our other 3 children living at home. They were 8, 13 and 19 years old.

My thoughts were still about keeping things as “normal” as possible for them.

It seemed unfair that all holidays would now have to significantly change after they lost their brother.

That thought kept me going through the holidays routinely for the first couple years.

Intentional Thanksgiving

One Thanksgiving came around when I started to live my life purposefully and intentionally.

I was being coached and asked myself questions like “Why am I here” and “What am I supposed to do now” and “I wonder what I'm supposed to learn from Trevor's suicide”.

Because of this work, I decided that the way Trevor died is not the legacy he left. I wanted my kids and our families to remember his life, not the way he died.

That new thought came into Thanksgiving for me. I want to remember every Thanksgiving how grateful I am about the impact Trevor made in this world.

  • I remember the beautiful poetry he left behind, and the fun memories of his sarcastic sense of humor.
  • I remember his excitement every single Christmas morning to open gifts.
  • I remember how caring he was as the babysitter for his baby sister.
  • I remember how polite he was and how he gladly hugged us, even when he was 17 years old.

I decided to remember intentionally how grateful I am to have been his Mom for 17 years. I wouldn't trade those 17 years even knowing the pain of losing him.

Gratitude

Thanksgiving has taken on a deeper meaning for me.

I didn't necessarily change anything about what we do on Thanksgiving. We still get together with family and have a large meal…and watch football. I still enjoy that stuff.

In my own preparations for the day, I think about all the things I'm grateful for and thankful for.

  • I'm thankful that my other children are still close to my husband and I and they choose  to be with us on Thanksgiving.
  • I'm grateful that our children are finding their own paths in their lives.
  • I'm grateful my husband and I chose to stay in our marriage even throughout the difficulties of losing our son.
  • I'm grateful I left my accounting career and become a life coach so I could help other Moms who lost their child to suicide.
  • I'm grateful I learned to live again and enjoy this beautiful life I've been given.

Kendra, Annika, Dylan after Thanksgiving 2018 on a cruise to the Bahamas

You may not be where I am today during this Thanksgiving Holiday.  That's OK.

Planning Thanksgiving Your Way

Whether this is the first Thanksgiving without your child, or the 5th one…..you may still be in a place of sadness and despair.

Here's some thoughts for you that may be helpful:

  1. Be open to have some happiness even though you feel sad too. Happiness and sadness can coexist. This is our 7th Thanksgiving without Trevor, and I do have a moment usually during the day where I feel some sadness. And I allow that in.
  2. Talk with your family about what YOU want to do during the holidays. You aren't obligated to do anything if you don't want to.
  3. Other family members have expectations of traditions. That's OK. That doesn't mean you have to participate in the same way. Be open with them about your needs this Holiday season.
  4. What do you want to do to honor your child's memory during Thanksgiving? Some people light a special candle or leave an empty seat. Whatever feels right.
  5. Let your family know if you need some time for yourself during the day. Maybe to take a nap or a walk. Be kind to yourself. Have compassion for this part of you that needs to remember your child.
  6. Make it as easy as you can for yourself. I used to think everything had to be homemade and I had to spend a full day (at least) preparing the food. Sometimes, I still want to do that. Other times, I don't. Now we can have boxed potatoes, boxed stuffing, or anything that has been prepared by someone else ahead of time that I can just heat up. Some people go out for dinner instead of cooking….do what's easiest.
  7. Some people skip the meal and volunteer instead. Some year, I would like to try that.

There's no “right” way to do the holidays. What's special to you about them?

You can choose to live through Thanksgiving any way you want.  You can choose to be alone or with others. You can choose to eat a meal you prepare or something that's been prepared for you. You can choose to travel instead.

I can't promise you that you will feel “good” this year or “better than” last year if this isn't your first Thanksgiving without your child.

What I can say is that it helps to think about the day ahead of time and decide what works for you.

I hope you find love and compassion for yourself and at least one thing to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.